Hello Nao Mih
My name is Lizzy. I am 25 and am done with college. My dad died in 2019 after developing a heart attack and left behind my mum, who is 40-years-old now. My mum then remarried in 2020 and brought home a cool guy younger than my dad (43). As time went by, I noticed something strange: I started getting so close to him. He started talking to me rather casually, and he could get as close as holding me by the waist when my mum was not around. Something strange is that when I hugged him recently during my graduation party, I felt a kind of strong desire. Funny enough, when my friends comment on how hot he is, it makes me very jealous. It is now hard to be at ease whenever he is with my mum. I just feel I love him and he loves me too, but I don’t want to defy my mum. She is so loving and has been through a lot.
What can I do, please?
Hello Lizzy,
I would like to speak to you, imagining that you are my little sister.
A stepfather is akin to a father or uncle. Yes, he is not your dad. Nor can he replace your real dad, but his relationship with you is the same as the one you had with your dad. His relationship with your mom is the same as the one your mother had with your dad.
Anyone who is married to your mother, Lizzy, is unquestionably a father by virtue of their marriage.Maybe it is acceptable in your culture to date your step dad, which is something I wish to know. But in most cultures, that is closer to incest than anything else. Maybe not as incestuous as it would have been with your dad, but it is close enough.
Most people will tell you that you only live once. Anybody who would tell you that this is okay needs a morality check. The feelings may be natural, but acting upon them is just plain twisted, sick and wrong!
We all have feelings, but there are relationships that we should stay away from by all means. You shouldn’t allow him to get close to you! He is literally your dad, and you need to respect him as you would your biological dad.
How can you have a romantic relationship with a man who is married to your mother, a man who shares a bed with your mother every night? This is wrong, and before you make a move, think about her and what she has been through. If you go behind your mom’s back and date this guy, it’ll really break her.
Thank you because you said you don’t want to hurt her ’cause she’s been through a lot. So have some respect for that old girl, for your stepfather and for yourself, and find someone who has never been with your mother.
There are many hot and cool men out there with whom you need to plan life with. With whom you can build a relationship that isn’t hidden from your mother and the world.
Ask yourself what the best case scenario is here. You like him, he likes you back, and you start dating. How will your mom react to this? Your family? Your society? People will see you differently, and they’ll see him differently too. There are numerous other disastrous possibilities.
He rejects you and lets other people know that you approached him. He rejects you and it ruins your relationship with him. He sleeps with you, lets people know, and dumps you. He sleeps with you, doesn’t tell anyone, but your relationship is ruined. He is interested, and being with him is not what you expected. You end it and he remains interested. Your relationship is ruined.
This has a low probability of turning out well. So before you do anything that can’t be undone, ask yourself all these questions. Hope you find yourself really soon.
Naomi Makassi, a Rongo University graduate from Kitale, Trans Nzoia County, is passionate about helping young adults build successful relationships through her writing.
