Hello, Nao Mih,
Kindly hide my identity. Whenever I am making out with my girlfriend, I always imagine that I am doing it with her friend, on whom I secretly have a crush on. Is this normal?
Sexual fantasy can be a great way to explore and think about how you want it to be. What kind of people do you find sexually appealing. What kinds of sexual activities or dynamics sound fun to you and how you want to feel during sex.
Having sexual fantasies about someone who is not your partner is completely natural. Erotic fantasies are often pleasant daydreams that can be used to explore one’s creative side or act upon sexual desires we’ve difficulty acting out.
Sometimes, we fantasize about someone else because our own sexual lives have become pretty routine, so we want to add some spice without damaging our relationship.
Sexual fantasies are healthy, such as for men with erectile dysfunction.
As much as I find this phenomenon purely human, it doesn’t stop you from inspiring real guilt. Too often, we feel like we’re betraying our partners when we fantasize about someone else sexually. No one wants to make their partners feel they no longer desire them sexually or, even worse, that they’ve stepped outside the bounds of the relationship.
Another problem is that the habit can recur, and the result of this is that any time you want to make out with your woman, your mind may drift to somewhere else. Love-making won’t be fun and pleasurable if your mind isn’t in the act. You’ll sit there with her at times, but you’ll drift off to another world.
Keep in mind that fantasizing about your own girlfriend makes her more appealing. Thinking about your girlfriend’s friend when making out will make your woman less appealing and attractive, and this will eventually ruin your relationship.
When we fantasize, we use the creative part of our brain to compose images that promote fantasy, while the logical part of our brain reminds us that if we act upon it, we’ll jeopardize our relationship. The increased use of social media, image sharing, and pornography are some of the reasons why we tend to think of other people other than partners.
The danger of overly thinking about your friend during sex is that it doesn’t allow you to properly build upon your intimacy and/or even sustain it. Maybe your girlfriend doesn’t have the same body type as her friend; how she carries herself and how she acts. This can be a turn-off when making love with her.
There’s also a danger of wanting to act on these urges. Fantasizing excessively on her friend can become a gateway to actual infidelities. This is particularly true if you’re preoccupied with looking at her pictures and can’t enjoy intimacy or become sexually aroused with your woman.
Seek counseling and communicate!
If you’re having problems getting to the bottom of this issue, counseling is always an option. I am glad that you started with me!
Talk to someone, a professional. Involve a third party who can bring awareness and help you release buried feelings in healthy ways.
Often, fears about overactive fantasies can be laid to rest with some simple communication. You need to openly discuss your sexual and intimate needs with your girlfriend. Remember, interests and curiosities can set in at any time. Make a continued effort to check in with one another from time to time.
Good luck in your relationship!
- Edited by Sam Oduor.
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Naomi Makassi from Kitale, Trans Nzoia County, is a graduate of Rongo University who finds passion in helping young adults build successful relationships through writing.